GARY Speed’s heartbroken mum says she will never get over his death – because she’ll never know why he died.
Carol Speed, of Courtland Drive, Aston Park, told ITV’s This Morning show she is still struggling to come to terms with the loss of her son, the late Wales manager.
The 42-year-old, who was born in Mancot, was found hanged at his home in Huntington, Chester, in November 2011. At an inquest the coroner recorded a narrative verdict saying he could not be certain Speed had intended to die.
And Carol and her husband Roger are still left with the same question – why?
In an emotional first TV interview on Friday, former Chester court worker Carol said: “I don’t think I’ll ever accept it.
“I know he’s gone and I know he’s not coming back, but I can’t accept it.
“When you bring a child into the world you’re entitled to know why they left.”
Carol told presenters Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford she will never understand Gary’s death.
And she admitted she is still racked with guilt.
“We didn’t even know he was depressed – we had no idea,” she said.
“As a mother that’s hard to live with because you think you should see the signs, but we didn’t. He was always smiling. There were no signs at all.”
Carol said she was ‘stunned’ when she got the call from Gary’s wife Louise telling her what had happened.
“Then you go into a numbness and the devastation comes,” she added.
“I couldn’t comfort Roger, I was so wrapped up in my own grief, but he was there for me.
“Without my family and friends I don’t think I’d have got through it.”
Carol was interviewed alongside Paul Kelly, who founded Irish suicide support charity Console in 2002 after the death of his younger sister.
Mr Kelly said: “The legacy of suicide is ‘why’ and that great sense of failure.
“Why did he do it? Was our love not enough?”
Carol said there are still days she can’t get out of bed.
And she fears she will never get closure because she will never know what happened.
“I just lie there thinking about him,” she added.
“You can look fine to other people but there’s a feeling that’s never gone away. I don’t know whether it will.
“I haven’t wrapped anything up – I just wish Gary could have done that.”
Speed played for Leeds, Everton, Newcastle and Bolton, becoming the first man to play 500 Premier League games, and also won 85 caps for Wales – more than any other outfield player.